“A Modest Proposal”
February 16, 1978
The smog is out. “People with respiratory problems are being urged to remain inside.” Don’t walk, don’t shop, just rot by yer TV. Three alerts and a fourth miss in a week. Pollution has put the screws to Denver, and concerned parties now raise a call to arms: there are editorials and letters to the editor, radio interviews with environmental and health experts, and close coverage of panels enlisted with politicos, spouting their own brand of pollution. Anti-smoking may be the liberal rage across the nation, but banning cars from city streets must become the #1 priority in Denver. Cigarette smoking may stuff up your house, but it’s nothing like a Colorado Boulevard morning, with a weather inversion, and you happen to be on a bike. (I hold my breath if I have to wait for a green.)
So let me tell you something, smog is about to rise all the way to Evergreen, no one’s safe, and I gotta live with it for the moment. I say not for long. My proposal is this: to block the heavily traveled roads into the urban city. Traffic will be diverted onto side streets, where congestion will be so great, the drivers will be forced to return home, either out of frustration, or on the run from residents who are bound to complain once every avenue has become a virtual one-way.
Remember the civil disobedience everyone committed in college. Think back to Vietnam. To get the job done, I suggest that instead of bodily blocking roads, we dynamite particular junctions late one Sunday night, Monday 3 AM, when a person can expect the least amount of traffic. No doubt statistics exist to recommend a proper explosion time. There remains a good chance of injury, but more lives will be saved of lung disease and heart attack, once the air has had a good chance to clean up. These are the specifics spots I suggest be destroyed:
(1) the termination of the Boulder turnpike, upon its entry into I-25;
(2) Federal Boulevard and I-70, in order to prevent greater flow into the city from the northwest;
(3) Colorado and I-70, to prevent traffic from exiting to Colorado Boulevard South;
(4) just south of the junction of I-70 and I-25, to preserve this mousetrap with cars intact, as a kind of Ant Farm memorial;
(5-10) at the north and west ends of the viaducts which extend from 23 Street the length of the Valley Highway to West 6 Avenue (to stop traffic from crossing the railroad yards at West 38 Avenue, Pecos and 33rd, 16 Street, Speer Boulevard, Colfax and 6 Avenue – as a matter of fact, traffic into town from Speer and Sixth might sooner be obstructed at Federal Boulevard, in order to alleviate some congestion; perhaps buses could be guaranteed a right of passage, along alternate routes like West 8 Avenue, the 23 Street overpass, and 15 Street);
(11) the interchange of I-25, Alameda, and Santa Fe, to block incoming traffic from the southwest;
(12,13) the intersections of Broadway and University with the Highway, to force people to find other roads into the city; e.g.,
(14-17) the bridges over Cherry Creek at Grant, Logan, Corona and Downing (the South Pearl crowd can use the Washington/Emerson corridor;
(18,19) the intersections of East 8 Avenue and 13 Avenue with York Street, not Josephine, as I want to secure the inside track at all these bomb sites;
(20) and finally, the conjunction of the outside world with Denver, at the junction of the East 32 Avenue Parkway and Colorado, which hopefully will persuade the Stapleton airport traffic to turn back, go home, to New York, Jersey, Chicago, Ohio, Texas, etcetera, etc.
As you can see, it’s quite a job I have planned. These highrise parking lots downtown make excellent targets as well, but I’m tired of talk. Oh sure, the government might lean on people to hire more passengers per auto, or establish quotas for the number of cars allowed to enter the city each day, but such proposals are necessarily involved in litigation among neighborhood caucuses. The political process can be drudgery.
I don’t propose this bombing act for posterity’s sake. Once I’m drummed out of town, the burden of guilt will fall to my family and friends. The thought aches me, but I want to return one day to find a 16 Street Mall, not constructed by merchants who want people to drive and park, but a street empty of cars. Why, I can almost see the sunny days on the horizon. You must understand, I want relief from smog alerts. I want it now.
Sincere,
Elk Bellows
Denver, Colorado
“Barnes Dance and Bikes”
Hey Westword, it’s Elk Bellows writing back, commenting on the state of bike affairs and traffic. Last time I contacted your paper, it was a write-in, right-on contest to take care of pollution in Denver town, back in ’78. I suggested that the bridges crossing the Platte and Cherry Creek be bombed, with only the Speer and Washington Street entries into town saved – I always liked the Marlboro billboard that greeted people across the Speer viaduct, and I figured that people living in Wash Park had more sense than to drive to work. I was wronged: the Speer is gone, the new parkway leads to a major jam as Auraria Parkway joins it – rather than over it – and the streets into the city from the southeast are more jammed than ever. We didn’t have to bomb the bridges; we have gridlock instead. But what I wanna say is all about bikes, and Bill the columnist for the daily paper, who has said plenty of stupid things through the years.
Bill Butthead, which a bike shop owner I know affectionately calls him, said Denver should eliminate the Barnes dance, crosswalking at intersections, because it takes too much time, considering the drivers waiting to get their way. Let the walkers have their stroll, that’s their reward. I was in a meeting with a consultant hired by Denver to come up with a new Bike Plan, and this fellow said that 75% of the money for the plan would be used to educate bicyclists about the rules of the road. It’s about time that we financed instead the education of drivers to recognize the difficulties of biking in the city. Bill recently complained about bicyclists coming out of nowhere, without lights at night. That’s their problem, and most see that a collision with a car is a major mistake. Counties south of Denver have complained about bicyclists taking over the roads, and would have them outlawed from riding those roads. Where are the rights-of-way secured for bicyclists?
EXCUSE ME: there are sidewalks for pedestrians, that bicyclists use, and ramps are a great boon for riders. There are streets where bicyclists contend with cars. We are supposed to ride the back roads to get around: not Speer, not Broadway, not Federal, not the major roadways, but the suggested routes for bikes. When a major construction project interferes with the flow of car traffic, detours are set. Detours on the Cherry Creek path for bicyclists are next to non-existent. The Cherry Creek bike path is an adjunct to controlling the creek – no rights to ride are involved. Bicyclists have no authority; the miles of designated bike paths pale in comparison to the number of sidewalks for pedestrians and streets for cars.
Drivers should not consider people who bike to work the enemy. Other drivers are the people in their way. A bicyclist against a car is no match. Where is the master plan for bikeways around the city; where are the streets scaled down for auto traffic and neighborhood parking that guarantee a thoroughfare for bicyclists?
I saw a poster for bikes to gather at the Capitol on Friday afternoons, at 6 PM I think, to ride en masse around the city. A splendid idea, but years ago I thought that bicyclists could gather en masse on commuter mornings, down West 33rd from the north, 16th from the east, Clarkson from the south, and slow the traffic enough to cause congestion and ferment, and foment a revolution in commuting by bike, and give bicyclists their room to move. Those are my ideas and plans. Hear me experts.
I’m Elk Bellows, and I wear great looking suits riding to work on my bike.